Hark what’s that you can hear in the distance? A trundling, rumbling dirge, growing faster, louder and closer . . . is that Hammond? Bedecked in chain mail and riding his high horse to the rescue of the much maligned 1980’s?! No it’s not because he doesn’t need to rescue it. Jim Kerr is on the case already. There he is singing ‘Mandela Day’ at the top of his lungs. As he grows ever nearer the noise gets more brutal and intense. What is he singing about? Why does he do it? How can he miss almost every single key note? Does he know Bono has the monopoly on worthy cash in politically dubious songs? More importantly why is he wearing that shirt?! It matters not. By the time he arrives everyone is kneeling in fear – ‘say it, say it, say that the 80’s were the best decade’ screams Kerr.

He doesn’t have to shout it though because if we are being objective its hard not to see the decade of decadence as the key musical footnote of world history.

I don’t really have to argue too hard about the significance of the 80’s when you look at the biggest selling live acts of today you are talking about The Flaming Lips, U2, REM, Madonna, Prince, The Red Hot Chilli Peppers, The Cure, Phil Collins and Sting – all artists who formed or at the very least established themselves in the 80’s. Sell out stadium acts may be a poor gauge of a bands genuine musical significance, but then we can look at the legacy and recent critical success of The Pixies, Morrissey, Richard Hawley, Edwyn Collins,  etc etc ad nauseum .

The 60’s and 70’s produced some decent music – punk, The Doors, Kraftwerk, The Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan erm Genesis. But when you examine the decades for what they really are its hard to look back on them too favourably.

The 60’s -  a decade of pseudo intellectual pitter patter spouted by greenery loving, overtly hairy, stoned, bomb fearing wimps who idiotically pinned their hopes on the misguided notion mankind was inherently peace loving.

The 70’s – a decade of realisation that mankind wasn’t peace loving at all and that by spending the previous decade up trees and in fields talking about Lord of The Rings the economy had gone to pot and things were entering a spiral of bleakness.

The 80’s – A decade of self gain, self reference, self promotion, and a little bit of self copulation. Also ten years responsible for the conception or at the very least establishment of at least six major and minor genres of music. I present the following and in doing so retire to the changing room three nil up at half time.

Synth Pop – New Order

Indie – The Smiths

Goth – The Cure

Drone rock – Jesus and Mary Chain

Post Punk – Killing Joke

Grunge – Pixies

P.S If ever you needed proof of the sheer opulent utterly bizarre nature of the 80’s, look no further than the synth laden, power pop, show tune mess that is Tarzan Boy by Baltimora. It’s as ridiculous and brilliant as anything any decade has ever produced. Beat that hippies!

 Baltimora - Tarzan Boy

Written By Hammond